A Letter to My Future Self

Dear Future Me,

If you are reading this, then I guess time travel has not yet been invented, or maybe it has and you just can’t afford it.  If it is available, what are you doing?  Come back and help me out.  I’m really kind of banking on this.

Maybe the rules about using time travel are very strict.  It’s kind of like airplanes.  Like, originally, when airplanes were invented people thought that everyone was going to have them and they were going to be just like cars.  Now practically no one has a plane except for people like our brother in-law, Mark.  Do you need a special license to time travel in the future?  And is Mark still a douche-bag?

I guess I am asking these questions more for myself.  I hid this letter very well, so I am impressed you found it.  I guess you still have your wits about you.  Unless you are reading this one day after I wrote it, in which case, seriously?  You are technically future me, but don’t be a dick.

My biggest concern about the future is that cell phones caused some type of horrible cancer that wiped out the majority of the population and the only people that are left are people that talked about how they didn’t own cell phones all the time.  Those people were the worst, right?  Are they still around in the future?  I bet they’re talking about something besides cell phones though, like a microchip in your brain, or the Amazon Kindle.

When I watch The Jetsons, I am troubled by the fact that they have a robot servant.  Are robot servants a reality in your time?  And have people figured out a way to have sex with them?  Does Mark have a robot servant?  Personally, I am not into robots, but who knows!  Maybe that changes.

Does this paper look old?  I soaked it in some coffee and crumpled it up a lot.  I also used a lighter to burn the edges.  I hope that the paper does not age too much naturally, because I actually kind of put a lot of work into this.

I have so many questions to ask you!  What is the most extreme sandwich in the future?  Are commercials allowed to show fellatio yet?  What is the tallest roller coaster?  What is the scariest roller coaster?  Are bicycle seats still shaped the same?  Has anyone invented any new racial slurs?

Please, if you can find a way to answer even one of these questions, I would be so grateful.  A discreet note under my pillow would do.  You don’t even have to sign it.  I’ll know.  If you are unable to help, I understand, and I guess I’ll just have to see when I get there.

I hope you are still alive,

You from the past


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