Lesser Known Mark Twain Quotes

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.  Oh, excuse me.  I just farted.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have worn my white suit if I’d known it was going to be spaghetti night.”

“Now you know I like a girl with a nice, thick ass.”

“I never meant to cause you any sorrow.  I never meant to cause you any pain.”

“This jack-o-lantern did not turn out at all the way I anticipated.”

“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.  Also, my neighbor Jeff speaks louder than action.”

“I’ve been thinking about working out.”

“I didn’t think I had to lock the bathroom door in my own goddam house.”

“E-may O-say Orny-hay.”

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