A Good Tombstone

I want a tombstone that doesn’t just fade into the background.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want people to scoff at my tombstone and do a, “Get a load of this!” with their thumb over their shoulder.  I want a nice, medium-size tombstone with something really insightful engraved on it.  I want someone to stop in front of my tombstone on an evening stroll and quietly nod to themselves.  Then they can go home and maybe make the words on my tombstone their new e-mail signature.

I’m thinking something like, “Dance Like Everybody’s Watching.”  If you know everybody is going to watch you, you are going to practice very hard, and ultimately its going to be a much more fulfilling dance for you and everyone involved.  Why would you dance like nobody is watching?  When I make a sandwich, I don’t make a sandwich like I’m never going to eat it.  I should put that on the tombstone too, because that’s actually a pretty good analogy.

I want my tombstone to make people laugh.  Not too hard though, because show a little respect.  We are in a cemetery after all.  Maybe this picture of Ted Danson, from Cheers.  Then people will laugh because they’ll be thinking about how funny Cheers was.  Very funny.

But you’re not going to get away from my tombstone that easily.  No, this tombstone will also frighten you.  I don’t know if this is possible, but when you first glance at my tombstone, I want it to display your name.  Then you think you’re in some sort of a Christmas Carol type scenario, looking at your very own grave.  But when you do a double take, it’s just my name again, with that picture of Ted Danson (which will probably get an even bigger laugh after that scare).

The final element of a truly successful tombstone is that it has the potential for adventure.  Maybe under the light of a full moon, you will be able to see a secret button on my tombstone.  When you hit this button, maybe a spiral staircase will open up underneath your feet.  There might be a torch along the wall to help you find your way.  I’m also considering the possibility of playing some spooky sound effects over a PA system, for atmosphere, like, water droplets and rat sounds.  Then, once you finally get to the bottom of the stairs, you find some treasure or something.  I haven’t quite figured that out yet.

The bottom line is, if you have a boring tombstone, people probably won’t miss you, and I’m not about to let that happen to me.  I deserve better.



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