Dear Mr. and Mrs. Peters,
I would like to request a parent-teacher conference regarding the recent behavior of your son, Dakota. As you know, Dakota is doing exceptionally well in class. His grades are great, and he is reading above his grade level. However, I have received several complaints from parents that he has been recounting, in great detail, the storyline to the HBO original series Oz each day at recess. The children have even started playing a game which appears to be a very vivid recreation of prison life. I’ve been able to get very little information from the students about the game because, as I’m told, snitches get stitches.
In addition to problems on the playground, Dakota has been the cause of several disruptions in class. He frequently performs a bit, which the other students love, called, “Mrs. Miller looks like…”, in which he lists several, admittedly very creative, things that I resemble. For example, the other day, Dakota interrupted a spelling test by saying, “Has anyone ever noticed that Mrs. Miller looks like Kathy Bates forgot to wipe her ass and then did a handstand?” And last Wednesday, during a drawing activity, Dakota stood up on his desk and said, “Am I crazy, or does Mrs. Miller look Mario Batali titty-fucked a Philly cheesesteak sandwich,” which I honestly did not understand, but the children seemed to love.
Recently, Dakota has been negating many of the encouraging words that I give to the other students by referencing the works of Camus and Becket and, on more than one occasion, he has even quoted Kierkegaard. His knowledge of their work is impressive. He has actually made some pretty good points, and many of the students have been won over by his absurdist philosophy.
I understand that Dakota is adopted, which can be difficult for a child to cope with, but I have some theories of my own to explain his behavior. If you could, please bring Dakota’s birth certificate to the conference. I am not one hundred percent sure that Dakota isn’t a fully grown man masquerading as a child, like Andy Milonakis or that little girl from the 2009 film Orphan (I know, I know Spoiler Alert) Thank you, and I look forward to seeing you at the conference.