An Email From Brad Pitt to a Friend: 1998


Subject: This Girl


What’s happening, muchacho?  Haha!  I learned that one from Treat Williams on the set of The Devil’s Own, and I thought I’d try it out.

Anyway, I’m writing to you because after you left the bar last Thursday, I met a girl, and I can’t stop thinking about her!  The problem is, no matter what I do, I can’t seem to win her over.  I mean, I’ve tried everything.

Thursday night, I go over and introduce myself.  Brad Pitt.  Look, I don’t want to brag, but usually that name gets a reaction.  With this girl, nothing.  She was stone-faced!

Well, despite her telling me that she thought I was “alright”, she agreed to go out on a date with me.  So Saturday rolls around, and I pull up to her place in my car.  That’s right.  I drove myself (I had to pay my driver to NOT drive me) She didn’t seem to care that I had a car at all!

Guess how that date went?  Horribly.  But for some reason she agreed to meet up with me again on the following Tuesday.

At this point, I don’t know what she’s into.  She doesn’t like my car.  She doesn’t seem to even like me that much.  I start thinking, maybe this girl’s a brainiac.  So what do I do?  Well, I visit an old friend of mine, a professor at MIT, and get a three-day crash course on fluid mechanics, propulsion, aeroelasticity, avionics, and aircraft structures.  Just a few little things to liven up a nice, intellectual conversation.  I mean, by now I’m basically a rocket scientist.

So, Tuesday night, Tapas bar, conversation.  I’m trying to work in my new-found knowledge anyway I can.  She’s not biting!  At the end of the night, we don’t even hug.

I’m pulling my hair out over here, my man!  I don’t know what to do!  The good news is, we’re both going to be at Stephanie’s Halloween party on Saturday.  What costume do you think would really impress her?  Here are my options: Elvis, Tarzan, Captain Kirk, or John Wayne.  Let me know what you think.  This girl is driving me crazy!



One response to “An Email From Brad Pitt to a Friend: 1998

  1. Pingback: Sphere Magazine « okayhater·

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