I was so excited to open up this time capsule. I’d been thinking about nothing but what it could possibly hold for weeks. I couldn’t even sleep last night. So, imagine my surprise when I opened it and was hit in the face with a burst of mustard gas. Once I stopped vomiting and I finally had my vision back, I thought it was kind of funny. I can appreciate a good practical joke, and I had to admit, you got me.
That’s when I noticed the hundreds of spiders crawling all over me. While I didn’t particularly find this as funny as the mustard gas, I was impressed. I have a lot of questions about how you were able to keep those spiders alive for such a long period, and so many of them. Questions lost to time, I guess. After my assistant, Anthony, beat the spiders off of me, I just had to laugh. I did not expect spiders.
The first item I removed from the time capsule was a can of mixed nuts. By this point, I was starting to catch on. Sorry, class of 1963, you’re not going to get me that easily. I handed it to Anthony, who quickly opened it, and ate several handfuls. Okay, maybe you guys aren’t so bad. That’s when the snake skeleton blew out of the time capsule, chipping my glasses. I can only assume that thing was supposed to be alive.
The next item I pulled out was a fully functional mouse-trap, which broke my right index finger.
Then, another burst of mustard gas. I guess it must have been on some sort of timed release, which is pretty impressive technology for 1963, and even more impressive considering this is all inside an old Folger’s can.
After another bout of teary-eyed vomiting, I pulled out a mason jar labeled “Jarod’s Fart.” I opened it, and I can verify that it was, indeed, a fart. Whether or not it was Jarod’s is open for debate.
Somehow, the environment inside the time capsule was incredibly conducive to the development of black mold. Amidst the mold, I found a pretty cool little stone figurine. Upon closer inspection, Anthony told me it was a representation of Asag, a demon who creates sickness and is so hideous his presence causes fish to boil alive in rivers and lakes. So that’s great.
At the very bottom of the time capsule there was a movie ticket for It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World and what looked like an old, dried-up dog turd in a Baby Ruth wrapper. I guess you thought I’d try to eat that.
I’d like to thank you, class of 1963, for your contribution. All of these items will be displayed in the town history museum for the next year.